Dads and Doulas

 

Although he may have read the books and taken all the prenatal classes, a father in the birth room may be confronted by moments that feel unfamiliar or challenging. Other fathers may simply remain somewhat clueless about what to do in the birth room. Yet, dads are generally excited and committed to supporting their laboring partners, and doulas are committed to ensuring that couples have ample opportunity to connect, and that dads feel useful and empowered throughout the pregnancy, birth and early childhood months. 

By now, it’s become pretty well known that doula care provides plenty of benefits for mamas and babies. Women who birth with doulas by their side have lower c-section rates, use less pain medication, are less likely to need pitocin or intervention, and feel happier overall about their births (DONA 2011). As lovely as that is, it’s very normal for dads to wonder, “Ok, so what about me? I’ve read the stuff I’m supposed to, went to those classes, and think I’m going to do a pretty good job. What am I, a third wheel?” It’s a question dads are a little embarrassed to say aloud, crossing many a mind, however brief; and yet they all wonder if they are the first to feel this way. It’s a question that some doulas might take very personally. After all, with all of the benefits we offer, who wouldn’t want that for their beloved? 

The truth is, in the last twenty years, dads have become more involved in birth than ever. This triumph is wonderful, seeing as mamas need the comfort, companionship, and support of the partners who love them, especially in a scenario that’s as vulnerable as giving birth can be. Our current system is still figuring out what to do with this leap, and while the system has come a long way, the kinks aren’t quite all worked out yet. To add to the questions, concerns and insecurities, there is a huge set of expectations for partners and husbands these days. They have only nine months to fluently educate themselves on the language of labor support – “surges”, “waves”, visualization, counterpressure, what will help, what will hinder, what to do and when to do it. Meanwhile, they are also learning the language of “Hospital” – intermittent monitoring, hep lock, cord clamping, Erythromycin (this is something that takes doctors, midwives and doulas years to accomplish, and the learning process remains ongoing).

When the moment arrives, the birthing couple might be in a strange room, with unfamiliar equipment surrounding, each piece of which beeps and dings at random intervals… could that be a “this machine is out of paper” ding, or an “emergency-come-her-now” ding? The doctor or midwife and nurses may be there sporadically, and only for a few minutes at a time, with, in some cases, hours passing in between visits. This could take a long time, and chances are the partner is going to get tired or hungry. There is a lot that happens in healthy birth that’s not quite as normal in any other context – such as deep primal moaning, hot flashes and cold sweats, swearing and ecstasy, blood, and body fluids. The intensity can be difficult to balance. Let’s just through into the mix, while we’re at it, that while mama’s instinctive brain tells her body to go into groaning-baby-having mode, a male’s instincts might be more inclined towards “protector mode” (left over from the time when this meant standing outside the cave with a big stick, ready to keep away saber-toothed tigers.)

On one of the most important days of a couple’s life together, a partner is completely responsible for remembering all of the tools learned, providing comfort and support to a woman in the intense throes of labor, communicating with unfamiliar faces, as they’re stimulated by many potential nerve-wracking noises and activity, all while preparing emotionally to see their own child’s face, FOR THE FIRST TIME. There’s one shot to get it right. No pressure. Good luck. 

Now, consider what adding a doula to the picture could do. Knowing all the labor support tricks, she will gladly suggest the ones that are likely to work. She’s talked with the couple about what they feel is important for the both of them during this birth, and will help remind them of these values and needs when necessary. The doula will talk them through any of the parts that make them a little nervous. She knows the machines well enough to tell you which beeping thing is which. If she’s familiar with this hospital, she knows the rules, and she probably knows the nurse and birth attendant. She knows where the vomit basins and the extra towels are. She knows when to say, “This is normal. You’re doing fine.” The doula has no interest in being in the spotlight, or stealing Dad’s mojo, but she’ll cover for the partner who needs to eat, or make a phone call, or catch a power nap. 

A doula knows that the love a partner provides for the birthing mama is immeasurable. The connection the loving couple share is one of the most important things going on in the birth room, and every effort will be made to keep that connection intact and flowing. The doula helps take the pressure off, allowing the partner’s role to become that of showing up and loving the mama and baby fully, in a way that only he or she knows best. A doula respects the couple’s need for some alone time, if that should arise. Likewise, she’ll probably be pretty skilled at knowing when to gently step in for a little more support. A doula can stay low on the radar by modeling comfort measures like massage or counter-pressure, and then handing this job over to the partner. 

It’s beneficial for a doula to let the partner know, “I have no doubt that you’re going to do a great job. I’m not there to watch and tell you what you’re doing wrong – I’m there to see that you don’t feel lost in the shuffle. We’re in this together.” Partners can come to think of their doula as part of their team, a walking “Birth Wiki”, and the best wing-chick they will ever have. A good doula not only makes mama happy, she helps the couple draw closer to one another, look at one another with new eyes, and love each other more than ever as they create the memory of their child’s birth. When this happens, everyone wins. 

Source: www.webirthathome.com